Thursday, April 2, 2009

when motivation is threatened by insecurity, the best thing to do is to simply admit the truth and then improve...

I feel inadequate in life often because I constantly find myself not living up to my own self-imposed standard (I know I am not alone in this).  I have a certain perception of myself that is not always validated.  When my own perception is in contrary with reality, I feel insecure and then I jump to the conclusion of whatever I do is simply not good enough.  That sense of insecurity has pulled me back from wanting to achieve more, and has slowed me down in a lot of ways.  To make matters worse, I find myself searching for reasons for why I should feel this way because it seems to be an easier way out.  I withdraw from my environment and sulk and sulk, and then eventually reason myself out of that mentality only because I know life goes on.  In the process, hurting a few around me that truly cares.  Sometimes, I really think life would be easier if I could just be alone and be in a bubble, but that's not how the world works.    

Something struck me today.  In the mist of trying to keep up with my peers and feeling inadequate, I realized that I somehow trapped myself in a vicious cycle.  I stepped back a little, and thought to myself that I am just as capable as the person next to me.  The only difference is that I let my insecurity fabricated my reality.  So in order to feel secure again, all I did was to admit the fact that there will always be things that I am not as good at as the person next to me.  So what? that is exactly how reality is and I find myself completely at peace with it.  

Admitting the truth wasn't easy, but now that I have, every encounter becomes a chance for improvement.  I rather be at the bottom and have plenty of room to climb, then being at the top and have to constantly defend my territory (not that it is a bad place to be, and fully anticipate myself being there one day).  My motivation miraculous came back to me because I have so many reasons to be motivated.  I am still chasing the rainbow, and now, I hope there are less slips.            

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